Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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