ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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