he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
