Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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