ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
