Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Your cock deserves a montage
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
