I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
