sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
