If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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