God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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