brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
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