I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
