I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
