I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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