I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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