Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
