Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
