You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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