I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
