Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
