It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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