I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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