You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
