Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
