hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
