you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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