Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
where does the pee come out of this thing
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
