The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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