this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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