I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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