I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
