thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
