I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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