Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
