just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
