im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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