i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
