WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
