it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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