On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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