I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
