anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
