a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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