He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
