im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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