Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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