ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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