I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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