he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
