If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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