Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
