theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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