is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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