i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
